Learning from the best

Let me tell you about learning to dance.

I’d always been told that I couldn’t dance. That I would never be able to learn to dance. Actually, that’s not true, when I was about four, my mum was told by a traveller that I was going to be a ballerina so she enrolled me in dance classes for a while until she figured out she was wasting her money (I know, weird story, right?). So I had a strange sense that dance was my destiny and yet never believed I would be able to do it. I yearned for it though. I envied those who could dance. Who seemed to be able to move so freely. I wanted that for myself. I just didn’t know how I was ever going to get it.

I was scared to try. Scared of failing. Scared of looking a fool. Scared of what others would think. Scared of proving that I was incapable.

Until the yearning overtook the fear. Until I wanted it more than I feared it. Having reached 50, I had a sense that time and energy and opportunity might be running out. A kind of ‘now or never’ feeling. And so I walked into my first Contemporary Dance Class. I took a friend with me for moral support. Because that’s what we do, isn’t it? It was a completely alien world. Everyone else seemed to know what to do. We felt like absolute fools. So conspicuous. As if everyone’s eyes were on us. And if Eliot had not been Eliot, I doubt we would ever have gone back.

Eliot is 25. He is a professional dancer. And he is a wonderful teacher.

When I felt bewildered, he gave me just the right level of reassurance. I didn’t understand the words. The Martha Graham Technique was a complete mystery to me. I couldn’t begin to understand the concept of contraction and release, let alone put it into practice.

When I had no belief in myself, he believed in me. He seemed to see some kind of potential that I couldn’t see. He was accepting and respectful of all different ages, shapes, sizes and abilities. He made me feel proud of what I was attempting to achieve. And over time, I have seen a change. There has been some transformation. I am evolving into a dancer of sorts. Obviously, I will never dance as beautifully and powerfully as Eliot and his dancers, but I am improving little by little every week.

It’s been quite a journey. Four months so far of doubts and encouragements, frustrations and joy. Learning to dance has proved so hard. It will take a lifetime. I will never arrive. But it is so worth it.

He wants me to work hard. He pushes me to work hard. ‘It’s all about the work. Work, work, work. From the moment you enter this space to the moment you leave.’ He expects me to give it my all. Why be there otherwise? He is committed and expects full-on commitment from me too. It’s exhausting and draining and sometimes hurts – especially the next day. I work hard because I want to improve. When Eliot dances, it blows my mind. I want to be more like him. He demonstrates and I copy. He leads and I follow. I get a glimpse of what I can be. When I get it wrong, I’m disappointed in myself. Sometimes he throws me a disapproving look and I know he is disappointed in me too. I hate that. It drives me on to try harder and succeed the next time. Which is a really good thing. Discipline is good. Correction is good. Discipline and correction move me on.

Sometimes he picks me out for praise, but I know what’s coming next. The ‘but’. ‘That’s great, Helen, but…..’ And sometimes that feels harsh and embarrassing and you really don’t want to be the one singled out for criticism. But actually it’s a privilege, because how else will I learn? How else will I improve? He is constantly watching for mistakes because he cares. Because he wants each one of us to be the best we can be. That is enough for him. It should be enough for each one of us too. So if my mind wanders and I lose focus, he sees. And he is not impressed. And I feel awful for letting him down – for letting myself down.

I am now growing a little in confidence. There are others who started after me who have less confidence than I do. We all come together as travellers on the same journey, but we all started at different points and have different lessons to learn and different things we need to work on. We do not need to compare ourselves with the others, but we can draw encouragement from travelling together.

For all its ups and downs and unknowns, I am loving this journey. I trust Eliot to teach me, to lead me, to bring me on. He’s young and yet has a maturity beyond his years. He feels like a safe pair of hands. He creates a safe place for us all to bring and release our ‘baggage’ through our breath and movement. I may even be able to cry in that space one day.

So why tell you all this? What has any of this got to do with the Book of Job? Or with the verse I said I would tackle today. This verse –

Blessed is the one whom God corrects;
so do not despise the discipline of the Almighty.  Job 5:17

Because what came to mind as I was reflecting on this verse was this – if I got an injury through my dancing, I would not look to blame Eliot. I wouldn’t reject dance and reject his support and teaching. I know he would work with me through it. Try to understand it. Be there. Find a way for me to continue to dance. Because I trust him, I would listen to him and be guided by him.

That’s what I thought. And I know it’s not the same. Eliot is not comparable to God. And an injury in a dance class is not comparable to some of the awful things that we have to face in life.

But like dance, I turn to faith in God with a combination of intense hopes and fears. With a yearning to know God, understand Him, be more like Him. Because the more I know Him, the more awesome I see that He is. And I know I will never arrive at being like Him, but the journey is worth it. It’s hard work, yes. Any faith journey is hard. Full of doubts and encouragements, frustrations and joy. Full of unknowns and injuries and pain and joy and release and fulfilment. And because of who God is, I can trust Him. I can learn from Him in every situation. I need not look to blame Him for the injuries but trust Him to see me through. Trust Him to work with me through it. To try to understand it. To be there. To find a way for me to continue to in this journey of faith. And because I trust Him, I would listen to Him and be guided by Him.

Your thing probably isn’t dance. It may be choir or football or cake decorating or something completely different. But maybe at some point in your life, you have been inspired by a great teacher. You have learnt from the best. You have wanted to work hard to please and impress the teacher. You have given your all. You have put yourself out there. You have worked through the pain. And maybe this will help you too to get a glimpse of your relationship with God. To understand this verse a little better. To see that discipline is good. Correction is good. Discipline and correction move us on.

Please note. I do not recommend trying to say this to someone who is really going through it right now. No one wants to hear it when they are struggling with intolerable physical or emotional or mental pain. But maybe it’s something we can try to come to grips with all the time. The idea that we are on a journey with God and we are learning from the best. And that we can learn through it all. Whatever life throws at us. So that when the bad times come, we have a mindset that can better cope with the anguish. It will still hurt. Really, really hurt. And it is right to be able to find words to express that. But God is there. God will work with us through it. God will understand. God will always find a way for us to continue on this incredible journey of faith.