How to choose a partner for life…….

I was dreading getting up this morning. Simply because I knew I had this chapter to face. But here I am. I’ll do my best.

My problem is that the love stories of the Bible are so different from the love stories of the movies and songs. Relationships are formed in a way that is totally alien to us in contemporary Western culture. Marriages start with arrangement (prompted occasionally by attraction) and are based on commitment and loyalty. Parents have a say. There is often a natural order and a tradition to adhere to.

Individuals are not free to fall in love with whoever they want to.

We struggle to read of these kind of arrangements and yet the statistics about the relationships all around us are hardly a glowing endorsement of marrying for love. Hard to see where I’m going with this, I know. Bear with me.

Let’s go back to Ruth and Boaz.

Naomi knows she will not be around forever to be with Ruth. She knows that Ruth is in a vulnerable position in society as a young single woman and fears for her future. She knows that Ruth really needs to find a husband to provide for and protect her when her mother-in-law has gone. And so she says –

My daughter, I must find a home for you, where you will be well provided for. Now Boaz, with whose women you have worked, is a relative of ours. Tonight he will be winnowing barley on the threshing floor. Wash, put on perfume, and get dressed in your best clothes. Then go down to the threshing floor, but don’t let him know you are there until he has finished eating and drinking. When he lies down, note the place where he is lying. Then go and uncover his feet and lie down. He will tell you what to do.  Ruth 3:1-4

It’s time for Ruth to dig deep and look (and smell) her best and attract the man. If you’ve got it, flaunt it…..and all that. Using sexuality to get what you want makes me uncomfortable. I’m not a fan of flirting (particularly when you or the person you’re flirting with is not available)…..never have been……no good can come of it most of the time……playing with fire comes to mind…..why take the risk? This is not an encouragement to use all your feminine charms to manipulate the weaker sex(!). This is a very specific situation and the fact that Naomi has to instruct her daughter-in-law to do this shows how out of the ordinary it was for her.

Ruth trusts her mother-in-law with her life. She has done ever since she followed her to this foreign land. She does not question. She does everything her mother-in-law tells her to do.

‘When Boaz had finished eating and drinking and was in good spirits’…………something to be said here about moments of weakness too and how eating too much can make us comfortable and lower our guard and particularly how alcohol can cloud our judgement and lower our inhibitions and make us vulnerable to making wrong decisions……not that there is a wrong decision to be made here (God seems to be in control), but this is not something I would ever recommend to a daughter-in-law of mine. It seems to be asking for trouble. Although maybe it is an ultimate act of faith in the upright character of Boaz who has already proved himself to be kind and generous and not the kind to take advantage of a vulnerable young woman who puts herself in a compromising position.

In the middle of the night something startled the man; he turned—and there was a woman lying at his feet!  Ruth 3:8

Boaz: Who are you? [why does he not recognise her? is it too dark? he noticed her in the field that day….]

Ruth: I am your servant Ruth. Spread the corner of your garment over me, since you are a guardian-redeemer of our family. [this is the plan]

Boaz: The Lord bless you, my daughter. This kindness is greater than that which you showed earlier: You have not run after the younger men, whether rich or poor. [so he’s pretty old, huh? old enough to be her father….what would people say today? Gold digger? Sugar daddy?]  And now, my daughter, don’t be afraid. I will do for you all you ask. All the people of my town know that you are a woman of noble character. [yay, the plan is working!] Although it is true that I am a guardian-redeemer of our family, there is another who is more closely related than I. [mm, how did we miss that? that wasn’t part of the plan]. Stay here for the night, and in the morning if he wants to do his duty as your guardian-redeemer, good; let him redeem you. But if he is not willing, as surely as the Lord lives I will do it. Lie here until morning.

In the morning……

Boaz: Go quickly. No one must know that a woman came to the threshing floor [reputation matters]. But first bring me the shawl you are wearing and hold it out.

When she did so, he poured into it six measures of barley and placed the bundle on her.

Boaz: Don’t go back to your mother-in-law empty-handed.

When Naomi asked ‘How did it go?’, Ruth told her the whole story and showed her the barley.

Naomi knows this is a good sign – ‘Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens. For the man will not rest until the matter is settled today. Ruth 3:18

We’ll wait til tomorrow to find out what happens too….

Anyway, as I pondered overnight on this story and all that I struggled with in it and what I would bring out of it, I remembered a situation I once found myself in that is kind of relevant here…..I’ll tell you about it and you can decide how relevant it is.

When I first got together with Andy, it really was a full on, head over heels, give it everything kind of relationship…and then he split up with me, was put off by the intensity….I scared him off basically. I then started dating someone called Tim. He was completely different. He loved to indulge in the pleasures of life….Andy did not. He had fantastic dress sense….Andy did not. He was extravagant with money…..Andy was not. He was studying for an English Masters Degree and was into the arts in a big way….Andy was not. He was into adrenaline and fun and pushing the boundaries….well, so was Andy I guess but in a very, very different way.

Anyway, Andy saw the error of his ways and came back. The problem was, I was in pretty deep with Tim by then. I wasn’t sure I could trust Andy any more. He promised to spend the rest of his life with me…..but so did Tim. He told me this was it….and so did Tim. He said he wanted to marry me…and so did Tim.

Don’t ever think that having two men fighting over you is an enviable position to be in…it most definitely is not. I’d love to say it was all totally straightforward and I followed my heart and we all lived happily ever after…but it was not. I had no idea what to do. My heart was all over the place. I changed my mind by the minute. I spent the Christmas holidays at my sister’s and every time the phone rang, it was ‘Helen, it’s for you….not sure which one of them it is this time!’

Anyway, you know the ending. I picked Andy. Why did I pick Andy? Because I could imagine myself growing old with him. I could imagine a future with him that I wanted to be part of. He had the most immense passion for changing the world and fighting injustice that I had ever come across. He was determined and charismatic and outspoken and selfless and funny and optimistic and larger than life.

In the end, it wasn’t all about love. It wasn’t about who I loved more. I loved them both in totally different ways. I actually followed my head as well as my heart. I chose Andy and then committed to making this relationship the best it could be. I would do all that I could to make it work. I would give my all to this relationship. I would stick with this man through thick and thin.

And actually, I think this has stood us in good stead. This is part of why we are still here. I want to say it’s not so very different to some of these arranged marriages, but I don’t know how to convey what I mean without causing upset……I know of course that some arranged marriages end in abuse and exploitation and I am as appalled by that as you are and that is not what I am talking about…but some are built on an acceptance and commitment to make the relationship work that end in something beautiful…a love that grows out of a commitment to each other, to give each other the benefit of the doubt, to be there for each other, to look out for each other….a commitment that is not dependent on the roller coaster emotions of romantic love. I used to think that this wasn’t the best way for us to start out on our journey together, but maybe it was. Maybe having to actively choose Andy for all the right reasons was important.

We’re still here. That must count for something.

So maybe that was a bit random or maybe it makes perfect sense…..it was meant to show that choosing a partner can often be more than feelings and maybe should be based on more than feelings….love is more than feelings…if you need a reminder, just have a look at 1 Corinthians 13…love is practical and tough and hard work…the feelings are just the icing on the cake!